So I met this boy in St. Louis....
My cousin and I went out Saturday night and this guy started talking to me. He was really sweet and cute, so we exchanged numbers and texted the next day (we both went to the game).
True to form, he lives about 2 1/2 hours from me (I always find the out-of-towners somehow...even when I'm out of town). But he mentioned that he'd like to come see me sometime. I thought, "Ya know, why not?" So we talked on the phone this week and....yeah. He's SUPER sweet, but here are my issues:
1. LOVES to talk. About himself. I think he only asked me a couple of questions, and that was a good 20 minutes into the conversation. Now, I LOVE a guy who can talk, and maybe he was nervous, but it's always sweet when guys ask you questions....ya know? Plus, I'm not the type of person to talk about myself freely - I'm more of a listener. So I welcome the questions!
2. Talked about ex-girlfriend for approx. 10 minutes. Seriously?! I just don't think ex-talk should be brought up for awhile. It's one thing if you ask the, "When was your last serious relationship?" question. (eeeek - I hate that question!). But, guys, PLEASE don't talk about any situations involving your ex on the FIRST conversation.
3. He seems a little....unmotivated. Now, I've always joked that I would end up with the gas station attendant, because my sisters married the geniuses of the family. And you know what? If the gas station attendant were a smart, sweet guy, I would totally be down with that. Okay, so this guy is NOT a gas station attendant, but he doesn't seem motivated in his current job. He's unemployed 1/2 of the year (his job is seasonal) and he seems....okay with that? I hope that doesn't sound snobbish, because I would MUCH rather be with a pauper than a prince, but it just bugs when guys come off as lazy.
So there ya go. My question is - do I still let him come visit? If this guy lived in town, I'd go out with him just for sh!ts and giggles. Ya never know, and you only live once! But considering he'd have to drive 2 1/2 hours and I've already made a LIST about him (LOL), I would just feel so guilty having him come.
What do you think? Am I too picky? Are you/were you a picky person when it comes to relationships? Well, I know I'm too picky. But tell me that is okay. ;-)
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Thursday, August 20, 2009
Meet Me in St. Louis
Posted by Holly at 5:01 AM
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13 comments:
Let me tell you a little secret that has definitely never been mentioned on my blog. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. In the last, oh, 3 years, it has become apparent to me that he is unmotivated and lazy. He has a seasonal job that gives no benefits, no sick time, no nothing, and yet he was never motivated to look for something better. This year, it got cut by 40% pay. Meanwhile, I am the complete opposite. I've got drive. And let's just say that our marriage? Not doing so hot. This isn't the only issue, but my MAIN gripe with him. 1/2 the time he says, "you're right, I need to try harder" and then the other 1/2 of the time he says "you think so poorly of me, why am I even with you and putting up with this shit?" So.... from my personal experience, that last one is a red flag if you're ever hoping for something serious. If it's just fun, no huge deal, but if you're like me, "fun" COULD turn into something serious and now you've fallen for a lazy man.
those are big flags. the ex thing- there is no excuse for that. The talking about himself thing- he might have just been nervous, but normally if you want to get to know someone you ask them about themselves.
The motvation thing is huge. even if they arent where they want to be, they have to atleast have goals. whether they reach them or not is one thing, but if they dont have in the first place, what are they going to work towards?
Red flags...
Be careful. I dont wanna tell you what to do, but if you have 1 or 2 red flags thats fine. The first 2 arent deal breakers- but the last 1 sorta is.
Like the others have said, if u just wanna hang out and have fun, go for it. If not, dont do it. Maybe this guy was nervously rambiing about his ex and maybe he felt comfortable talking to you. I hate to say first impressions are everything, but they are. BUT again, you always, in my opinion deserve a 2nd chance. 3 strikes- your out.
I say do not let him come! It is a bad sign if you already have a list of things that bother you about him. You do not want to let things get more serious if he has the qualities you mentioned. I am actually going through a similar situation as Holly (except not married yet thank god). The boy can't keep a job for long, has no benefits, and I basically have to find his jobs for him! I know it would be very stressful in the future for me. I don't want to see others get caught in this situation. We get along great and he treats me well and does everything I want basically but having no motivation really makes things hard!
NO, NO, NO!!! We do not like this boy! You were right in being picky!! Keep being picky!!!
I was very picky in finding men. I think I found a pauper, but he is very hard working and smart. To me, those qualities outweigh money. And he never brings up his ex's. I would NOT be ok with that if he did.
Bottom line, trust your gut and do not invite him to visit you!!
I agree ... stay picky and keep your standards high! The right guy WILL come around in due time : ) Good luck!
Oh geez, this is tough. Your first point I wouldn't be too concerned about because I'm the same way as you and he may have been nervous and that's why he talked a lot about himself. And if you weren't saying too much (waiting for questions - that's exactly like me!) I can understand why he'd keep talking about himself.
2nd point... not sure.
3rd point... that's a little iffy. Especially if you're a motivated person which it sounds like. And you don't sound snobbish because I get where you're coming from on this. I would start to resent a guy later on if he was happy not working for 1/2 a year and I'm busting my ass at a job that's definitely not my dream job.
Just some points to consider. It's like the blind leading the blind :) hehe
You can be a as picky as you want, but I'll tell you, I'm super picky and I was super picky with my fiance when we first met...but for some reason I was slowly overlooking those flaws. If they continue to bug you like crazy, it's not meant to be, and that's perfectly fine. But don't rule him out over one phone call.
Like you said Holly, you only live once. Just be careful you don't fall for a loser.
I know people sometimes have a habit of making "projects" out of people who aren't doing so well.
I used to meet girls that were super cute and fun to hang out with but they worked at tanning salons or record stores and they had no motivation to do anything else. So I'd scoop them up and try to "fix" them.
Needless to say, this never worked. :)
Hey, like you said, you only live once. Just because you don't try to turn this guy into a "project".
I used to date girls that were super cute and fun to be with, but they'd work in tanning salons or record shops (not that there's anything wrong with that, just not for me).
So I'd scoop them up and try to "fix" them. find them a new job, get them back to school, etc. Needless to say, it never worked out.
You can't take an motivated person and magically make them something they're not. Just keep it in the back of your mind...
I'd give him a second chance, personally. Your concerns are valid and I'd have the same thoughts, but I also think first impressions can sometimes be wrong... I know I often come off completely different in a one-off situation when I am nervous/anxious than when people get to know me. Could well be that he IS motivated career-wise but didn't want to sound like a desperate unemployed guy so kept it cool, you know? I know that I also talk a LOT when I meet people. Not because I am self-obsessed or like that all the time, but when I am nervous, I am not 'me'. What have you got to lose by seeing him again?!
Yah...I'd do WITHOUT the visit. I'm with everyone else!!
This is a tough one. I wasn't crazy about my boyfriend when we first met because of certain reservations I had. It took a few months for me to let my guard down and actually fall for him.
I agree with insideiamdancing that first impressions are not always the most accurate, and with fitnut for saying he might have been nervous. It may be best to forgo an in-person meeting for a few more phone conversations. I think the more comfortable you'll both get, the better you'd be able to assess the situation. You may find that your first impressions were true, but you could also learn more about him that you DO like.
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