Friday, February 13, 2009

Coming Clean

Whenever I have a slip up or something goes "wrong," I don't like to post about it. Crazy, right? I mean, I know you aren't here to judge's just something I struggle with because I beat myself up SO MUCH for the bad choices that I make. Anyway. :-)

The past month or two I've had some things going on in my life that have caused some anxiety. I've had an INSANE amount of work to complete at my job due to a co-worker being let go, my (newish) roommate situation has me stressing a bit, and I'm seeing a guy now and it's also causing add stress. So there is the background, in a nut shell.

I want to be honest and just put it out there that I've had 2 slip ups with binging and purging in the past 2 weeks. It had been SO LONG since I'd done it. In the year I couldn't exercise, I found myself binging like mad and NOT purging. I guess now that I've shed all that weight that I had put on and am really feeling good about my body, I feel that anxiety of, "What if it comes back?" Also, I've been doing SO well with not binging at all, that I freaked last week when I binged on candy and junk food. I'm extreeeemely disappointed in myself, but more than that I am scared that I might fall into this pattern again. I know I am stronger now than when I have binged and purged in the past, and also I know that 2 times of binging and purging does not necessarily mean a path to self-destruction.

I guess I have to realize that EVERYONE who has had an eating disorder (or disordered eating) has slip ups. We all have "those days." We all might eat too many cookies, or go to bed hungry because we don't want the calories that our bodies actually need. We all beat ourselves up for those days probably much more than we should. I am just working on getting back on my feet again and not falling into a destructive pattern again. :-)


Missy said...

I know exactly how you feel! You went a longer period of time without doing that than me but even when I am good for 2 weeks and slip up, I get so upset. It is scary because I so badly just want to completely stop and doing it once or twice could lead to a bad pattern again. We just have to start over the next day and not stress about it! Good luck with it all!

Erica said...

Keep your head up girl! We love you. Remember you're only human!

kristen said...

You're so brave for admitting this and posting about it. I have a hard time "staying connected" when I'm having a difficult time too. I haven't posted in two days because I've been stressed and have anxiety too.

A slip-up is not a step backwards nor is it a relapse. It's simply a step to the side where you're forced to look at where you're going again and how you want to get there. You've come a long way! If we didn't recognize these little mistakes along the way, we wouldn't get any stronger.

Holly said...

Missy - I's like the anxiety gets to you for having to eat "perfectly." I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself one is perfect at anything they do!

Erica - thanks, girl! You're the best. :-)

Kristen - thank you! it's very vulnerable putting things out there, but it also feels good to get it off my chest. I LOVE how you explain's SO true. I never thought of it that way. It's like when we have a bump in the road, we all think we're stepping backwards and have to get back up again. I don't want to "waste" all of the good I've done in the past couple of months with no I'm going to think of it like you said - just a way to view where I am right now.

livinghealthyintherealworld said...

Hugs. We DO all have slip ups, and it's really great that you are recognizing your slip ups. Thanks so much for writing about it, too! That's real courage.

- Sagan

Every Gym's Nightmare said...

the fact you recognize that you are scared of falling back into these patterns shows how far your mind as come. You know its wrong and doesnt help, but yes sometimes you will slip up. but the focus should be on putting more and more time between those slip ups. and finding a distraction. people have a negative idea of distractions as something thats going to keep you from confronting something head on, but when you are trying to recover from an ED distraction is your best friend. i used to make lists of things i could that celebrated my body so i was like likely to want to hurt it- like painting your nails, or taking a bubble bath or something like that. if you take the time to do something nice for you, you are less likely to want to engage in behaviors that will hurt it

Kelly Turner

biz319 said...

Sending hugs your way! I can in now way help you in your situation, as I haven't been in your shoes.

Sadly, I had the reverse of anorexia, I still felt great no matter what size I was!

Happy Monday!

Holly said...

Sagan - I am working on it! Thank you. :-)

Kelly - Thank you. :-) That is a good point. I've always had those "distractions" kind of in the back of my mind when I think I feel a b/p coming. And sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Hmmm, maybe I will actually put it down on a list to carry with me....

Biz - thank you so much! I think so many people have struggles...different, yet somehow we can all relate to one another. I appreciate your support! :-)

healthy ashley said...

Agreed. As long as we remember the important part is acknowledging those bad behaviors and focusing on the positive ones instead!