Saturday, July 26, 2008

Up, Down, and All Around

I thought I would show some pictures of my weight losses/gains in the past. I've seen others do this, and it's interesting how differently people perceive themselves in photos. Often on any given day in the past 10 years I will think, "Ugh, I just look so fat in this today." Then, when looking back in pictures later I will think, "Wow! I looked pretty thin!" or, "Dang, my booty looks pretty good in that picture!" or, "Who the hell picked out your outfit that day, girl?!" You get my point. For some reason I see myself differently in photos than I do in the mirror.

To start......Here is a picture of me in high school. Yes, this is my senior picture....I don't just sit around on rocks and waterfalls for everyday pictures (unless you ask me to). This was before I really cared about calories and fat grams. My weight was about 138 at this time (I am 5'9"). This was taken about a month before my heart was broken (okay, we dated for 2 months....but that is an eternity when you are 17!) and I began to really restrict my eating.

Eeek! It is weird to look at the picture below. Here I am at my smallest weight, 110 pounds, at the end of my senior year. I remember examining my body every day in the mirror and being so excited as it became bonier. I know, I know....pretty gross. Now I can look back and see how SICK I looked. I never, ever want to be this small again! I was a size 2, but had NO booty, NO boobs, and NO period. NO thank you. Well, except for the no period part. That was kind of sweet.

Ahhh...the good ole' Freshman 15. Only mine was the Freshman 30, but whatever. Do we really have to get technical? I vividly remember discovering foods again the summer before college. I would come home late at night after being out with my friends and binge on cereal, nachos with cheese, basically anything I didn't allow myself to eat the previous year. My whole freshman year was spent being ridiculously self-conscious of my weight. Yes, I was back at my previous weight, around 138. But after being so small not that long ago, I felt huge. And THEN there was the binging and purging. I started binging and making myself get sick probably 2-3 times a day, and this lasted most of my freshman year.

Throughout college, my weight stayed between 130-135. So I'm jumping ahead a few years to 2004. The picture below is from my first marathon. Ahhh....the good ole' days. I had run for 8 years and had always wanted to do a full marathon. I fell in love with training and was hooked. My eating was the most normal it had been in a long time at this point. I was eating healthy because I was training and wanted to run well, yet it felt so good to be able to indulge in desserts without guilt, especially after those 18 mile runs. I was around 126 pounds here.

I became so hooked on my marathon training, I decided to train for another marathon in May 2008. I remember if I ran less than 8 miles, I always did the elliptical, too. I was working a LOT during this time (teaching full-time and tutoring 10 kids a week) and was definitely over-doing it. Even though I remember pigging out on the days I had long runs, I restricted on the days I felt I didn't work out "enough" (to me, that was running less than 6 or 7 miles). My weight here was around 118 pounds. Excuse my shiny face - our school wasn't air conditioned and apparently I didn't know what powder was.

I got out of teaching and over that summer gained a good ten pounds back. I was glad to be looking more healthy (and have my boobs and booty back!), but of course I still struggled with binging more than anything. I am jumping a few years ahead to the fall of 2007. It's pretty sad, but in looking back I don't have a lot of "body" shots from the last 2 years. I think mainly because I've been so self-conscious since I haven't been running or working out. I know, I grand kids will look back one day and be all, "Grandma, why aren't there pictures of you when you were 25-27?" And I'll be all, "Because I was stupid." Anyhow, below is a picture from last fall when I weighed around 132. My weight got up to around 138 this winter, but between my camera being broken and the previously mentioned reason, I don't really have pictures to prove it.

Below is a recent picture, taken last month. My weight fluctuates 3-5 pounds regularly, so right now (and in this picture) I'm between 132-135.

Now, it's not my goal here to get back to the no booty/no boobs girl as seen above. This baby got back, and I happen to like it. I just need some help with the cookie dough patrol, please.


WeightingGame said...

ahh...I remember the high school ays of 5'9" and 138 (OK, so I was 5'10" and 145... but still.) It's so interesting to scroll down through your pictures and see the changes - and how your emotional state at the time had such a drmatic effect on your weight. That was really brave of you to share with us. One thing that stayed the same: your glowing smile!
You look great!

Emmy said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You and I sound quite similar, and I look forward to finding inspiration and motivation through your blog.

CDlover said...

Weightinggame - thank you for your kind words! You are right, it's important to focus on things that stay the same throughout the years rather than things that are always changing (except for hairstyles - I DON'T miss my old 80's hair). And I think we definitely all miss high school days...when I thought we had it SO bad! Ha! If I only knew.

Emmy - thanks for visiting and reading. It's still so amazing to me that so many people on here are going through or have gone through the same thing...when it seems like it's hard to find people in everyday life to relate to you! Hopefully we can help and motivate each other.

Anonymous said...

Did you steal my story???!!! I was a long distance runner who would do two a days simply because I felt I hadn't exhausted myself enough. And binging and purging....became a very common habit through my early twenties. And restricting and seeing myself get smaller actually felt like a great accomplishment.

And like you, I NEVER EVER EVER want to be there again!!!

And how I wish I knew I wasn't the only person going through all of that crap. It was such a secret and I felt I was the only one who dealt with those issues. (running, b/p, etc.)


CDlover said...

Sweets - God bless the internet! :-) I love finding people on here who've been through the same thing...I'm with you, I went a LONG time before ever even talking about it to my friends, none of whom could relate at all.

At least we've both come as far as to say that we DON'T want to be unhealthy like we used to be. I tell myself that is huge, since a lot of people who've struggled with eating/exercises issues strongly desire to be waify and super scrawny. Go us!